Your relationship (like all relationships) has fallen into some negative patterns and you don't know how to get out of them. Lucky for you, I do! With Relational Life Therapy.
It is through this therapy that you will discover how you ended up in this negative place and how to break out of it. I will help you make your relationship feel brand new again, and guide you to rediscover the connection you thought you lost.
I often hear my couples say: “if she would just do this” or “I hope he’s listening to this” or something to that effect. And my response? “Stay in your lane.”
Relational Life Therapy is really individual work.
The best part about this being individual work is that you have a say here. You are not trapped in a system outside of your control. You are not powerless. You are empowered to make your own choices and changes. You get to take care of you, and see what happens. Which brings me to these three steps:
Work on Your Own Stuff. We'll figure out what's going on for each you. What is coming up from your historical pasts (your childhoods). How you handle your emotions. Why you get caught in unproductive and unhealthy thought loops and how to stop the cycle.
See What Happens. As you get healthier, it'll shift your relationships. We explore what that shift will look like.
Deal With It. Some of those shifts will be uncomfortable, yet you will be better equipped to deal with whatever comes your way and step out of the unhealthy patterns.
Is it “fair” if you do your own work and your partner doesn’t?
Well, yes and no. Vague, right? Yes, because you are still getting healthy and this is a better lifestyle for you anyway. Yes, because you are now better prepared to make a healthy decision about your marriage. No, because it really isn’t fair. I’ll repeat that: It really isn’t. And the bitter pill is that sometimes life isn’t fair. And healthy adults are able to deal with life when it isn’t fair.
Why does it benefit you to do the work even if your partner doesn’t? Because not only are you healthier and happier anyway, but also because you are still living in this system. Would you rather hold onto your pride, be right, and have a miserable evening? Or day(s)? Or do you want to enjoy the time with your partner?
Listen, I don’t care if you stay married or not. I care that you make the decision from a healthy place.
I cringe when I hear marriage therapists say “I value marriage” or “I want to help you stay married.” Do I value marriage? Absolutely. And it is imperative to your treatment that I don’t walk in with any agenda. I’m here to provide tools/skills. I’m here to be a mirror of your behaviors. I’m here to show you ways to come out of your negative behaviors. And you have to want to. This is HARD work (I had a client say this in literally every session). You have to be motivated to do the work. Not everyone is and we can work on that resistance together as well.
I make it sound easy here, and it’s not.
And I know that it’s not. How do I know that it’s not? Because, to quote Terry Real: “I’m a fellow traveler on the path, farther ahead than you.” I love this quote, because it's so true.
I am doing this work as well. I am doing this daily practice on my own marriage. Do my husband and I fail sometimes? Oh, yes! Do we succeed at times? Oh, yes!
And my clients, like you, get the benefits of stories from both successes and failures.